I am so paralyzed by fear of the job search that right now I am unable to commit to one on a consistent basis. Why I am so frightened? A number of reasons.
First of all, I have been fired from so many office jobs due to having Asperger’s that I know I cannot function in an office. When you have Asperger’s, your social skills deficit is so profound that you cannot read or respond appropriately to social cues. My experiences in office settings have been nothing short of absolutely horrendous and devastating. Having Asperger’s basically knocks me out of the majority of professional careers that are suitable for middle class people, such as law, medicine, accounting, business, academia, social work, psychology, and classroom teaching. Having Asperger’s is a curse because it profoundly limits my career options.
Second of all, I have suffered profound emotional abuse at the hands of my family of origin which has left me shattered inside on so many levels. This abuse, combined with my repeated failures in the workforce, has utterly and completely destroyed my self-confidence and my ability to trust my own judgment. My captors kept me in terror for years by repeatedly telling me that I would never be able to function in the workforce and therefore I would never be financially self-sufficient. Unfortunately, after failing so many times in the office workforce, I began to internalize my abuser’s perceptions of me as an inadequate person who could not function independently in the outside world.
For many years I chose to remain in captivity at the hands of horrendous emotional abusers because I was even more terrified of the office workplace than I was of my captors. I felt that my captors’ abuse was at least predictable, whereas I had literally no way to interpret or respond to the relentless emotional assaults that I suffered in the office world. At this point I am in a place where I can no longer tolerate my abusers but where I am also scared of trying to make a living on my own. Out of 14 years after college, I was self-sufficient for 6 months in 1999 in an office job and about 4 months in 2007 with a university research fellowship. So I was financially self-supporting for about 1 out of 14 years and in school for about 18 months. So really I was in various stages of unemployment or underemployment for about over 11 years, during which the only money I often earned was as a part-time math and English tutor.
It doesn’t help matters that my last counselor and one of my Russian history professors have both told me to go on welfare because they don’t think I will ever become financially self-sufficient. Thanks for your vote of no-confidence in me. It only makes me feel even more frightened than I already do.
In addition, with the bad economy there are no jobs at all in many fields, including some of the Spanish language research which interests me most. It was scary to be told by some of my contacts that I had no chance of finding a job in their fields.
I am determined this time to face my fears in the job world and attempt to overcome them. Rather than allowing myself to become paralyzed by fear, I will instead continue my job search using my contacts. I am looking to work independently at home and not in an office setting. I have a B.A. in international relations from Brown University. I welcome any help or suggestions for my job search.
I am looking for work in the following fields:
1. Spanish to English translation
2. Research jobs that involve Spanish language sources – I’m fluent in Spanish
3. Research jobs that involve knowledge of information technology and its technical aspects – I took a course in IT auditing in graduate school and wrote a highly technical paper on security flaws and solutions for Storage Area Networks
4. Russian language research – I have an intermediate reading knowledge of Russian
5. Business and accounting research – I have a masters degree in taxation – and can do research in business, accounting, and tax
6. International relations research related to Africa, Latin America, Russia, and the Middle East – I’m familiar with all these regions
7. I can also write math curriculums for junior high and high school math
I can tutor math from pre-algebra through pre-calculus – from 5th grade to senior in high school. I can prepare students for the SAT and ACT math and English tests.
I can help Hispanics and others learn English – in terms of reading, writing, and speaking.
My long-term goal is to write and publish a book on my experience as a survivor of severe emotional child abuse which I think would be helpful to survivors of severe verbal abuse in both the child abuse setting and the domestic violence situation. I am already working actively on this book plan.
I am also torn between my passion for Middle Eastern studies and my need to earn a living. I was told by a leading scholar in this field that it will be very difficult for me to make a living as an independent scholar in Middle Eastern studies. I also don’t know Arabic or Persian at this time yet. The real problem is that international relations is not a good freelance business. The only jobs in this field are with universities and governments agencies for the most part. So if you can’t work in an office, this is not a good field for you. I am an activist for freedom in Syria, Iran, and Egypt. I also supported regime change to remove Saddam Hussein from power in Iraq.
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